Author Topic: Heard any good jokes lately?  (Read 135041 times)

Offline nejsitsol

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1260 on: March 04, 2008, 09:25:43 PM »
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. 
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.. 'It's okay'
said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

That is histerical!

Offline Hurley rocks dudes

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1261 on: March 05, 2008, 05:44:21 PM »
An Irish guy walks out of a bar...
Hey! it could happen!

Offline Asmodean

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1262 on: March 10, 2008, 10:49:56 AM »
An  Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his
pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das  wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.  "Which means: 'Don't drink the  water, the cows have sh** in it.

The man shouts  back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.  Speak
English,  infidel.

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, You'll get  more."

Offline laklost

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1263 on: March 10, 2008, 11:40:08 AM »
An  Amish farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking from his
pond, with his hand.

The Amish man shouts: "Trink das  wasser nicht.  Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.  "Which means: 'Don't drink the  water, the cows have sh** in it.

The man shouts  back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish.  Speak
English,  infidel.

The Amish man says: "Use two hands, You'll get  more."

How politically incorrect.  I'm offended.





(Not.  :D :D :D)

Offline Asmodean

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1264 on: March 10, 2008, 11:42:27 AM »
I knew you'd appreciate. :P

Offline Sunflower

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1265 on: March 10, 2008, 02:32:01 PM »
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in
because it was too risky to operate.
She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the
room in tears. 
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this
bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what
happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.. 'It's okay'
said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
:o :o

Offline Asmodean

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1266 on: March 16, 2008, 01:04:59 AM »
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy said to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now..'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh**.

Offline Sunflower

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1267 on: March 16, 2008, 01:08:48 AM »
I should have seen that coming!

Offline Asmodean

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1268 on: March 16, 2008, 12:33:27 PM »
The UPS Man


One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?'"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven
times".

Offline Ladybug

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1269 on: March 16, 2008, 08:38:07 PM »
The UPS Man


One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual
route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were
still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the
UPS man comments.

Bob, in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This
is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We
had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend
fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight
that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'"

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?'"

"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with
a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in
the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded. "Your name came up seven
times".
lol!  i may have to print this off and show it to our ups driver!

Offline Ralphie

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1270 on: March 16, 2008, 09:09:47 PM »
Did you hear about the two antennas that met on a roof, fell in love and decided to get married? The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!

Offline LouE68

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1271 on: March 16, 2008, 10:01:59 PM »
Guy comes to a stop sign...does his California roll at the intersection and proceeds thorugh.
A cop see's him and pulls him over for running the stop sign.
The Guy asks, what did I do...the officer says, you ran a stop sign...
The Guy says, I slowed down....isnt that the same thing.
The Officer pulls out his baton and starts beating the guy in the head...."would you like me to stop or slow down?"

Offline Asmodean

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1272 on: March 16, 2008, 10:05:01 PM »
Californication!

Offline goober

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1273 on: March 20, 2008, 11:30:39 AM »
A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, 'Hey Miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?  'Are you nuts?' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your
breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen, I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again,  'Would  you let me bite your breasts just
once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000
dollars. Okay, just once, but not here. Let's go to that alley over there.'

So they go into the alley, w here she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well, are you going to bite them or not?'

'Nah,' says the Scotsman. 'Costs too much . . .

Offline goober

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Re: Heard any good jokes lately?
« Reply #1274 on: March 20, 2008, 11:39:45 AM »

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp

" What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

" That little guy , O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."