But in an entirely bizarre LOST turn of events we are blown away to discover that she is telling this to everybody!

Wait, are you actually sharing a back story with us? Out loud?

I know! And I haven't even been drugged or tortured or anything!

She also says Richard is supposed to know what to do next, but for him that means its time to lose his marbles. He runs around the group informing them that when Darlton was telling us for years that this isn't purgatory what they really meant was that it was Hell. Then he runs away, which I imagine happening with cartoon-style flailing arms and accompanied by that "bthbhttbhtbhthbbth" noise.

While Ilana prepares to go after him, Frank and Jack act as expository devices.

So I'll take the weird questions about Richard's aging, you take the ones about who Smocke really is?

Sounds good.

Hurley is over on the beach speaking Spanish to someone we can't see. Something about fundata, I think. Jack thinks it's Jacob but Hurley tells him to butt out and leaves, possibly headed to the island's imaginary Olive Garden.

Here's where I ask the big set up question: This guy doesn't age? How do you think that happened?

And the answer is...

The rest of the episode.

It's a sad and tender tale of a man who is losing the love of his life to Tuberculosis (I think, I'm no Jack Shephard). He is desperate and in pain and she's so brave and there's no way I can make light of the story.

I think this will be her shortest recap yet.

To be honest, they could use a little tightening up anyway.

True dat.

In a (Spoiler Alert!) futile attempt to save his wife he rides to the doctors to get help.

The doctor's kind of a douche. He won't go with him or give him the medicine because Richard doesn't have enough money. So they tussle and Richard accidentally causes him to crush his skull and/or break his neck. That's almost never good.

Richard rushes home to his bride, Isabella, but alas, he is too late and she is already dead. Seconds after making the discovery there is pounding on his door and he is arrested. This is wicked depressing.

So let's play some Good News/Bad News!

Good News:

I have food for you!

Bad News:

It's your last meal.

Good News:

Wait, you speak English?

Bad News:

We have an opening for you on our slave ship!

So Richard is hauled away to The Black Rock under the ownership of Magnus Hanso. We join them mid-journey in the middle of an epic storm.

And at this point all kinds of viewers that were absolutely fine with time-travel, sentient smoke-beings, portable islands, 170 year-old hotties, and alternate universes get all bent out of shape over the believability of A) a tidal wave lifting a heavy sailing ship way, way up high and 2) for it to cause a crack at the top of a likely ancient statue that would then be weakened enough to crumble under the force of the tsunami-grade torrent of water.

And yes: I'm saying I'm willing to drink the LOST kool-aid and completely buy into it. Life is easier on this side.

Good News:

Congratulations! You survived the storm!

Bad News:

Welcome to Craphole Island.

The next day we join our prisoners as they awaken. The first mate has come below to help them all out. And by "help them" I mean slaughter them.

I have to do this! We have no water and limited supplies.

How about we discuss this over the TONS of rainwater and fresh fruit I'm sure is surrounding us...

The Black Rock prepares to receive a visitor. Smokey has arrived and apparently doesn't take kindly to people who don't believe in "Live Together, Die Alone."

I'll give you a report: Smokey and a 100% chance for showers... of BLOOD!

Good News:

You didn't get stabbed!

Bad News:

Smokey has no locksmith skillz.

Worse News:

This.

Good News:

Your wife showed up!

Bad News:

She gets eaten... maybe.

Good News:

The Man in Black shows up to rescue Richard!

Bad News:

The Man in Black shows up to rescue Richard.

The Man in Black confirms what Isabella said, that they are dead and in Hell. He also tells him that to escape Hell he must kill The Devil. Who, he explains, is not the black smoke. He's the black smoke. The devil is the other guy. It's like the 1867 version of "Who's On First."

Richard gets his instructions: Take the knife, put it through his chest, no talky-talky, etc. And if he does this he will get Nadia ba-, I mean he will get Isabella back.

Richard goes to the statue to find the this "Devil" but he no sooner gets there and Jacob sucker punches him. Richard tries to fight back but besides for being all-powerful, immortal and cute, he also has super ninja skills and trounces Richard rather quickly.

Although, Jacob hasn't been chained to a cargo hold full of corpses for an unknown number of days either so it may not have been much of a fair fight.

Richard tells Jacob that he knows he's dead and in Hell. Jacob disagrees and dunks him in the ocean to prove him wrong.

Baptism symbology, yo.

Then Jacob and Richard have a converstaion which is the exact opposite of the one Richard had with MiB. He also explains the island's purpose.

And the answer is...

The island floats because it's made out of cork and the Man in Black is named Mal Evolence or something and he's pretty much drunk all the time. And not the happy kind of drunk either, so they keep him in a bottle so he doesn't go around disturbing the neighbors and spilling his drinks all over the place.

So does that clear up everything for ya, sport?

I am having the weirdest day.

Jacob tells Richard that MiB is like the bad kid in school that wants everyone to cheat on the tests but that he, Jacob, won't teach any of the good kids the subject because, basically, if he gives them the answers how will they learn? But Richard suggests maybe it would be a good idea to provide a little tutoring and help some of the struggling kids. So Jacob gives Richard that job. And immortality. And a white rock to give to MiB when he goes to tell him he lost.

Here. I've heard it's fun to throw these things out of seaside caves.

MiB gives Richard his wife's cross because Richard hasn't had his mind messed up quite enough today. Richard buries it.

We return to the same spot in the current time, where Richard is now digging up the cross. He calls out to MiB that he wants to renegotiate. But instead of getting a visit from Smocke he gets Hurley. Isabella is also there and Hurley speaks for her.

And while no one can absolve Richard of the sin of murder, Isabella does absolve him of something he has carried around for 140 years: the guilt of feeling that he is also responsible for her death as well.

As a parting shot, Hurlabella tells Richard he has to stop the Man in Black.

We go baaaaaack about 140 years and join Jacob and Man-I-Wish-They-Would-Just-Give-a-Name-to-Already for the aftermath of the Richard ping-pong match.

Hello. Sleep well? I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

I know. Have a drink.

Man, you'd think after all these years he'd remember I prefer Appletinis.

A small note about the images in this article: My usual source did not have screencaps from this episode so, after looking around and finding no other good back-up site (and not wanting to burden Eric with dozens of additional specific images to find for me) I bit the bullet and bought the episode from iTunes and did screengrabs of the shots I wanted. So if you've noticed the amateurishness of the 'caps this week, that would be why. I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. In fact, I probably shouldn't be here right now unsupervised.